When I was a wee thing, as an only child, I was very affectionate towards the children I met in day school and early grade school, but I really didn't know how to act or treat them. I didn't understand personal space bubbles at all, and loved getting half an inch away from a classmate's face to have a conversation with them (which to me indicates that I didn't have Asperger's Syndrome as they thought, since I didn't mind eye contact back then). How does a child like that turn into a 26 year old woman whom barely likes being touched, avoids eye contact unless I really like the person, and while still enjoying social interaction (in a non-work related environment), needs copious amounts of solitude to recuperate and not snap? Well, quite a few things.
I won't reiterate what's already been said, but I'll highlight a few things from past blogs in light of this topic. I learned how to act in Catholic school. I learned personal boundaries the old-fashioned way, and yes, fear was a huge part of that learning experience. Granted, it took MANY years of being shamed outside of school and being accused of being "lesbian" for giving my friends outside of school too many hugs. It wasn't until high school that I really learned how to behave in our modern society, by pushing a lot of buttons (which I think a lot of teenagers do) to see what's acceptable and what's not. Part of why I started my own bath and body product company, in all truth, is due to all the shame I received from being told I smell all the time in my freshman/sophomore year of high school. Sure, it was bullying and a lot of it was unwarranted, but at the same time, I read something recently that stated that kids learn how to behave through bullying, and to a certain extent, it's true, but like a lot of things in life, there's a line between what's helpful and what's harmful. As a whole, I think people get their rocks off from delving way into the harmful range. As someone who's been a bit of a demeaning and belittling bitch at times, I can say from experience that there is a rush that comes with giving people a taste of their own medicine. When it leads to someone harming themselves, though, that's when it's too much. So many people are quick to say that kids nowadays are wusses, but I highly disagree. I tend to think it's more of an issue of people not knowing when to stop. It's easy to see in every day life: people get alcohol poisoning because they don't know when to stop; people with eating disorders end up in the hospital because they don't know when they've fasted or binged enough; people egg each other on and get into fights that are recorded and put on Facebook for the world to see because of someone who keeps pushing buttons until they get punched, beaten with a lead pipe, etc. They say "everything in moderation", but moderation is a dying art form.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. A lot of fear was instilled in me when it came to the world of dating. Suddenly, my tactile nature was mistaken for being horny, which in turn led to being pressured and nagged for sex relentlessly by my first boyfriend (I did not succumb and was rewarded for my close to 2 years of loyalty and better judgment with being cheated on with 5 people and broken up with right before our 2 year anniversary with "You should be happy that I've found someone better", "better" being this girl gave him fellatio 7 times a day), and of course, to other things (consensual and non-consensual) that I later regretted. Yes, I'm not afraid to admit that people took advantage of me, I daresay even call it rape. No, I don't think that entitles me to special treatment, unless expecting people to not say that I liked it and that I deserved it is somehow "special treatment". As someone whom was exposed to sexuality at a young age (involving "cybering" from age 12 on) and has been in 6 (or 7, depending on how generous I'm feeling with the term "relationship" that day) failed relationships, I can say with all honesty that I'm so very much jaded and tired of romance. Sure, sex is an instinct and it's still an itch that needs to be scratched occasionally, but unless I really like the person, why bother? Sure, I can feign affection, and occasionally really do feel it, especially if there's some "afterglow" euphoria going on, yet I don't feel the need for it 24/7 and 365 days a year. Anyway, that's all that needs to be said on this account for now.
The absolute worst culprit, not surprisingly, is the one that brings the most hostility and stress: my past jobs. When I was still a fresh youngin' of 17, I got my first job working at Thule (you know, the Swedish bike rack and other sport-related car equipment company) in the recall section of their customer service division. I dealt with a lot of mean people, but since it was just a summer job, I was able to bounce back from it with no long term damage. I won't go off on a full tangent, but long story short, my last permanent job at a call center for a fancy fruit bouquet company was probably the most harrowing experience of my life. My experiences being homeless, raped, etc. pale in comparison to the unspeakable way customers treated the customer service reps at this company. I'd include having my life threatened on that list, but that happened at that job too. Who would think that working for a company based on fucking fruit would lead to so much ugliness? Well, same thing that makes a lot of people who work in toy stores too long turn into bitter misanthropes: money makes monsters out of people. If I were to tell you that a full grown man threatened to drive from Indiana (or Illinois, I forget) to Connecticut and shoot everyone in the call center I worked in like fish in a barrel, just because his grandfather's gift was late, you'd probably think it was a work of fiction. Sorry to disappoint, but that happened during the insanity known as Valentine's Day. One of my co-workers got a prescription for Klonopin from her doctor solely to get through Valentine's Day. It speaks volumes when people need to be doped up to keep their job. I, not being a huge fan of synthetic drugs, took the hit with nothing to numb myself, but after Valentine's Day, I had enough. I put in my resignation notice in March, said I would stay until after the Mother's Day rush, but as of May 15th, I would be gone regardless of whether I had another job or not. Some people would say this was foolish, and from an objective point of view it was, yet I look back on my Facebook statuses from back then and say, "Wow, I was a wretch, what possessed me to be like that?" My friends would try to be nice to me and I'd snap at them for little to nothing, and I really couldn't handle work stress on top of the usual stress of interacting with friends and family. It was also effecting my work horribly. I remember one time dealing with a particularly nasty customer in West Hartford, CT, and my blood was boiling so badly that I swear I saw red, and was memorizing her address, wanting to go to her house and slash her tires after my shift. It took a lot of will power to calm my rage and settle down, but I ended up just taking this rage out on myself in the form of drinking myself to sleep on many occasions. I spent the rest of that year trying to heal. I went to a spiritual (mostly Wiccan) camping retreat immediately after I quit my job, and most people there probably couldn't stand me because I hid in my tent and cried most of the time. This sounds like paranoia, but a (at the time) friend confirmed this when his roommate who went to the retreat went from thinking I'm okay to really disliking me and saying how annoying I am after the retreat. It was when I got my seasonal job at Lush Cosmetics in my local mall that I realized how far I had fallen, when I was unceremoniously fired on Black Friday for being "too nervous and making the customers uncomfortable". I walked out of the store, found a quiet spot to sit, and didn't cry or anything...I just went kind of catatonic, staring at the people scurrying around, energetically going about their Christmas shopping, totally oblivious to anything but their own joyous tunnel vision. That's when it hit me: I didn't trust anyone. I felt so many people wanted to harm me, even family and friends. There was no place for me in this world. I wanted to die more than ever, or at least in the words of Mystery Skulls, this time I just wanted to disappear.
Now, to tie this ramble in with my original topic: Why I like animals more than people and can't stand when others belittle this, and alternately, why people whom prefer animals over people shouldn't be asshats and give us a bad name. Well, to put it succinctly, animals are innocent. Sure, they can be aggressive, sure, they can be smelly, sure, some can potentially kill us, but they do what they do for simple reasons: survival. They don't have nearly as many complications in their psyche as we do. They don't have ulterior motives (except when pets are affectionate for food, but that's a learned behavior from being around people, and animals in the wild have no reason to be like that) and do a lot of what they do for survival. So, like with babies and children, they don't deserve a lot of abuse that they oftentimes get. As I mentioned in my blog about being a furry, when you've been so poorly treated by most people, or are socially awkward and can't relate to a lot of people, how is it so hard to accept that you might just like anything that's not human a lot more? I guess there are many more resilient people than I am. I really don't understand how someone can work for years and not die of liver cirrhosis from drinking oneself to sleep every night, yet there are people who get up every day and do it. I don't get how people can get raped, beaten, etc. and still go on and be in other relationships. I really don't get how people in the medical field can deal with the worst of humanity, like aggressive pill poppers needing a fix, and still value human life (yes, this happened to me and I promptly decided I probably wasn't cut out to be a Medical Assistant, too bad I realized this after paying $17,000 for a course of study that's not even paid me back for that). I take a similar stance to my wonderful former fruit customers who ended their calls with, "IF I CAN'T GET CONSISTENCY AND TRUST THE OUTCOME, I JUST WON'T EVER ORDER FROM YOU PEOPLE AGAIN!" Why is it so easy so completely shut delicious fruit out of one's life, yet so hard to understand when someone does this with major life decisions, be it romance, children, or life in general? I guess that's yet another question I have that has no clear answer.
Do I hate all people? No, I've become very picky about whom I like and spend time with, though. I'll still be kind and decent to people unless they give me a reason to be a bitch to them (which a lot of people do with their driving). Society as a whole makes me want to do what I've said I want to do before, by going off and living in the woods. Unfortunately, living that way can lead to John Candless-style tragedies (see/read Into the Wild for more reference), so I cope the way I can. Since I'm in no position to go back to school to become a Veterinary Technician/Assistant, I've decided to volunteer with the Humane Society and have started my own small bath and body business, especially since my awkwardness and lack of long term job experience makes me no employer's top pick to hire. There are lots of times that I just stay home, not see friends, do chores and clean a house that resists being tidy, care for my cantankerous and dementia-ridden old grandmother, argue with my mom about why I do not want a husband or children and hear about how this is ruining all the dreams she had for me (which, ironically, back when I did want these things and took measures to make them happen, I was still ruining her dreams because she didn't approve of my choices of whom I wanted to be with), blog or make bath bombs and other doo-dads, and listen to Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, CinnamonToastKen, and other Youtubers on a regular basis. That's on a productive day. Even online, I try to keep to myself and not cause a stir, but sometimes I get roped into drama, which of course is to be expected when dealing with people.
I thought people whom I consider friends knew this about me, and knew better than to try to make me feel ridiculed for being this way, but yet there's an ugly little trend that's happening with people taunting those whom are against hunting, prefer animals over people, etc. This really isn't cool. For the record: I am okay with guns and hunting when it's for food. I am deeply upset when people kill and torture animals just for shits and giggles. It's sick. The whole "keeping populations in control" thing is a very touchy issue and I'm not an expert, so I'll refrain from commenting and just keep signing petitions to protect wildlife and thank goodness that I live in a fairly enlightened state when it comes to environmental matters. I don't like PETA because PETA's extremists are more revolting than the people they protest. I am not a vegetarian for many reasons. However, I have never once killed anything intentionally, except maybe for some mosquitoes, fleas, and other deleterious pests. However, as I said before, I will never belittle human lives in the face of tragedy. You'll never hear me tell a 9/11 joke because I lost a cousin in 9/11. I disagree vehemently with the Twitter post where some twit says that the tragedy that happened in Paris yesterday is not a big deal because people kill billions of animals annually and no one is making an issue of that. People like that have their heart in the right place, but for crying out loud, do not belittle one life to say that the one you prefer is more valuable. It won't change anyone's mind and since many people are mourning and people aren't always rational during times of grief, they will shut out everything you say and will probably attack you. Knowing when it's appropriate to say things part of another another dying art form known as tact.
In conclusion, even if you can't trust people, or you don't like what someone is saying, at least try to be respectful. Sometimes being respectful is as easy as keeping your mouth shut. Don't confuse respect for cowardice. Gandhi once said that non-violence is sometimes the most courageous thing a person can do. At the risk of sounding trite, the world would be a better place if people could just take all of this into account, maybe then I'd be updating my Etsy and searching for dessert items in my house, as opposed to worrying about the world's problems in this blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment